Shrek the Third: Artie's Story
by Falco aesalon
Summary: Now we get to know what goes through Artie's head. And a little AU thrown in starting at chapter 11 to keep it interesting. Rating for mild, not-too-graphic violence in later chapters.
1. Cream of Tripe

This is my explanation to Guinevere's line "So the I was all like 'I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you.'" It's kind of a rewrite of the lost scene "Hot Lunch" minus the Shrek interference.

Disclaimer (applies to all chapters): I do not own Artie Pendragon, Shrek, or any other characters you may recognize. I also do not make any monetary profit from this, etc., etc.

...

Artie Pov

Today's gruel: Cream of Tripe. Ugh. I was in line in the cafeteria, waiting to get lunch. I looked up, and SLOP! There's my gruel, but I'd rather not know what's in it. Then PLOP! A leg of mutton. PLOP! A roast capon. SCCHHLOP! Even more humble fare, entrails, and goodness knows what.

Suddenly, the crowd parted and there she was. It was like a dream.

**A/N: It's in slow motion to Artie because he's in "dreamland."**

She walked toward the counter in slow motion, and lifted her bowl toward the ladle as the gruel was slopped into the bowl. Her gorgeous golden hair caught the sunlight streaming in from the window. Even her feet were beautiful as the gruel slowly rained down, and the rats frolicked by her feet. The chickens flew out behind her, and their feathers formed a curtain of love. She walked toward me-

"Oh. Hey Artie. Guinevere, we're in the same alchemy class?" Her voice sounded distant, yet so wonderful.

Wait, she was talking to me! _Snap out of it, Artie!_ I thought to myself. I tried to say something, but she was so beautiful, I was speechless.

"Whatever," she said. "Okay, well, I guess I'll see you around." I could have sworn I heard her say to herself "Oh boy, what a loser." But that didn't matter right now. I had to try anyway.

"Hey Guinevere! Wait!" I just hoped she hadn't already sat with her friends. I caught up to her. "Guinevere would you…will you...uh….willyougooutwithme?"

She must have got the gist of what I was saying, because she said, "You know what, Artie? I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with _you_." I suddenly realized my mouth was open, so I shut it.

"What?" I asked. Maybe I didn't hear her right.

She must have thought I didn't understand, because she said "I said 'no' Artie."

I guess I wasn't really expecting her to say yes, but I still had to try, right? Besides, what have I got to lose? Suddenly I bumped into something. Er, make that someone. That someone was Lancelot.

"If I were Guinevere, I'd get a dork restraining order."

"Oh. Hey Lance." Maybe if I ignored what he said, he'd leave me alone. I tried to back away, but found Bohort and Gawain blocking my way. I guess I was wrong about having nothing to lose, 'cause they took my lunch. Again.

"You better stop messing with me, worm. This is your final warning." Now Lance was threatening me.

"Yah, that would make the last one!" I have to admit, Gawain wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

"Oh come on," I said. "What's a little joke between brothers?"

"You're not my brother, you're just some kid my parents took pity on." Wow, Lance had that menacing tone down to perfection.

"Whatever." I was determined not to let Lancelot get to me.

Now Lancelot was really annoyed. "Don't forget your place…_Artie_."

"Not very likely with you reminding me all the time." I was seriously tired of his taunting, and tried to back away, but Bohort and Gawain blocked my way again.

"Where are you going, worm?" asked Bohort.

What happened after that was quite painful and humiliating, but let's say some things are better left unsaid, and leave it at that.


	2. Of Ogres and Auditoriums

Artie Pov

Ugh. Another day of this dreadful school, and of course it had to be raining. _What time is it?_ I thought, then saw the clock. 5:00 a.m. Too bad I was already wide awake. Little did I know that today was the day.

The rain let up about 7:00, and classes went about as normal. Of course, there was talk about the mascot contest, but it was otherwise a normal day. And by a normal day, I mean a few snide remarks here, a shove there, you get the point. Then lunch was when it actually got interesting.

**Today's Gruel: Liver flavor**

So, I was sitting by myself, enjoying (er, eating but not really liking) a quiet (ok, more like uneventful) lunch, when Lancelot came along.

"I have jousting practice today, and no one will joust me," said Lancelot.

"Well, the practice dummy is there for a reason." I had a pretty good idea where this was going, and wanted to prevent it from happening.

"You'd better do as I say _worm _or you'll be sorry. You do enjoy having the use of both arms, don't you? 'Cause I can fix that easily."

Lancelot wouldn't hesitate to follow up on that threat. I knew because last year, he made the exact same threat and followed through. I didn't particularly enjoy it, and didn't want a repeat. "Okay, fine," I said.

"After lunch, meet me at the jousting field."

I was doomed.

...

At the jousting field, I think Lancelot was trying to mock me. He put a target on me, a bucket with eye-holes on my head, and gave me a lance.

"There's your _steed_ loser," Lancelot said.

The horse dummy. This was_ not _going to be fun.

Lancelot charged. I braced myself for the impact. BAM! Right on target. I flew off the "horse" and landed on the ground. Everything hurt. I gave myself a mental check up. Anything broken? No, everything was fine. Except that everything hurt.

"Does Arthur look like a king of what?" Suddenly, something large and very heavy landed on my chest, knocking the wind out of me. "Oh, sorry." There was that same voice. The pressure the thing was exerting lifted. I groaned. Wait, did he say _my _name? Did he really say_ Arthur_?

"Did you just say you were looking for Arthur?" I asked. I still wasn't sure if I'd really heard him say my name.

"That information is on a need-to-know basis." Wait a minute. Was the cat talking to me? Why on earth was it standing on its hind legs? And was that a sword it had by its side?

"It's top secret. Hushity hush!" Wait a minute. Was that donkey actually _talking_!

Wait a minute. The thing that stepped on me was an _ogre_! He probably came to eat me! Well, I wasn't about to stick around and fine out. Painfully, I got up and removed the bucket and target. I started to walk away. It sounded like the ogre thought that Lancelot was me. _Well,_ I thought, _I hope the ogre eats him._

"Hey!" The ogre said. I turned around. Shoot, the ogre was talking to me! Time to go. I did the most sensible thing I could think of: run.

So, I'd made quite a bit of space between the ogre and myself, when I ran into Headgear and Nosebleed. Everyone calls them that because "Headgear" has braces. The kind where you have this big thing on your head. "Nosebleed" because his nose starts bleeding when he laughs. They're the only people in the chess club, but it's more like Dungeons and Dragons Club. I guess I'm kinda the outcast, as I'm the only person in my own club, the Anti-Club Club. Anyway, Headgear and Nosebleed aren't picked on as much as me. 'Cause in this school, if you're in the "Pick on Artie Club" your cool enough to be left alone.

"Hey, loser," said Headgear. "The mascot contest is on now. The whole school's supposed to be there, you know."

"Look, um, I'm kinda busy, so-"

Headgear and Nosebleed are much more to the point than the Jousting team. They each grabbed an arm, and marched me off to the auditorium. We scaled the stairs to the loft. I suddenly realized that the voice coming from the auditorium was the ogre's voice!

"Now! Where can I find Arthur Pendragon?"

Headgear and Nosebleed decided to carry out their plan now, because they pushed me towards the hoop.

"Hey, wait-" I began to protest, but they ignored me and hooked me onto the hoop, and pushed it over. The hoop was fortunately very attached to the wall, but I was hanging on the hoop like a piece of laundry. The whole auditorium laughed. That was the least of my worries. I was trapped, and now the ogre was going to eat me.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves!" said the donkey. It was looking at Lancelot and the Jousting Team.

"I didn't do it." Lancelot pointed at Headgear and Nosebleed. "They did."Headgear and Nosebleed laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. (Well, to them, it probably was)

The Ogre reached up, grabbed my arm, and pulled me down, or must have been trying to, because I was stuck pretty good. He was going to eat me alive in front of the entire school, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Please don't eat me," I begged. I seriously didn't want to be eaten. Sure, it would end my suffering, but I didn't want to die yet.

Then, the whole school started chanting, "Eat him! Eat him!" Even Principal Pynchley was joining in.

Then the ogre pulled me down and shouted in a frustrated tone," I'm not here to eat him!"

Wait. Did I really just hear that? He wasn't going to eat me? Maybe he just doesn't want the whole school watching. The crowd seemed very disappointed at this news.

"It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies," the ogre'd turned back to me. "You're the new king of Far Far Away."

"What?" I couldn't believe it. This must be some joke. Yes, that's it, Lancelot and the Jousting Team must be behind this.

"Artie, a king?" I guess Lancelot wasn't behind this, he seemed just as shocked. "More like the mayor of Loserville!" The whole crowd laughed.

I still couldn't believe this was real. "Is this for real?" I asked.

"Absolutely! Now clean your locker, kid, you've got a kingdom to run."

It just sounded too good to be true. "So wait. I'm really the only heir?"

The ogre took a breath, as if to emphasize this. "The one and only."

"Give me uh, just a second." This was _huge_. I figured I should give the school a farewell speech. "My good people," I began, "I think there's a lesson in this for all of us. Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think. 'Hey_. Maybe_ this guy has feelings. _Maybe_ I should cut him some slack. 'Cause maybe. Just maybe. This guy's gonna turn out to be, oh I don't know, a king?" It felt good to get this out. "And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish anyone that ever picked on him! That's right! I'm looking at you, Jousting Team!" I pointed at them for good measure. Then I turned to Guinevere. "And Guin. Oh, Guin. I've always loved you." I turned back to the crowd. "Well, good friends, it breaks my heart, but... enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby!" I punched the air, and stepped back a little bit. "I'm building my city, people…on Rock'n' Roll!"

"Yeh just overdid it," said the ogre. He slung me over his shoulder, and left the auditorium.


	3. I Don't Wanna Be King!

Artie Pov

I ran to my dorm and looked to make sure there was nothing I wanted to take along. It was a mess by most standards, but by a High School guy's standards, it wasn't that bad. I had the whole room to myself, because no one wanted to share a room with the "worm." But I was just fine with that. The only problem was that the lock was broken. Lancelot broke it within a month of my arrival. Unfortunately, the janitor never bothered to fix it, so anyone could just waltz right in, and take whatever they wanted, or do whatever they pleased. Nope, nothing, so I went back to the main gate to meet Shrek. So, the cat was named Puss (how original), the donkey was named Donkey (even more original) and Shrek was married to my cousin, Fiona. I didn't even know I _had_ a cousin, but my dad never told me anything about my relatives.

"Well, Artie, are you ready to go?" asked Shrek.

"I guess," I said. Well, I guess my life was about to get really busy. After all, kings don't just sit back and relax.

"Let's go then," said Shrek.

...

Once on board, Shrek started telling me a bit about Far Far Away. But I still couldn't believe it. I mean, it's not every day an ogre turns up with a pair of talking animals and tells you you're a king.

"I can't believe it," I said. "Me, a king? I mean, I knew I came from royalty and all, but…I just figured everyone forgot about me."

"Oh no," said Shrek. "In fact, the king asked for _you_ personally."

"Really?" I asked, but Shrek looked sincere, so I said," Wow." Then the other issue. "Look, I know it's not gonna be all fun and games."

Shrek smiled. "It really is all fun and games. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat _just_ right with the bottle."

At first, I thought he was joking, but looked serious. "Boat and a bottle… Any idiot and hit a boat with a bottle." I mean, come on. How hard is it to hit a boat with a bottle? Zero on the difficulty scale.

Shrek laughed. "Welll… I've heard it's harder that it looks."

I guess it was all real. And hey, maybe it really is al fun and games. "Whoa," I said. "This is gonna be _huge_! Parties, princesses, castles." Oh yeah! "Princesses!"

"It's gonna be great, Artie," said Donkey. You'll be living in the lap of luxury! They got the finest chefs around, waiting for you to place your order."

"And fortunately," added Puss, "You have the royal food tasters."

"Yeah?" I asked, curious. "What do they do?"

"They taste the food before the king eats to make sure it's not, eh, poisoned."

"Poisoned!" Maybe this isn't as fun as it Shrek makes it sound.

"Or… too salty!" Shrek sounded like he wanted to change the subject.

"Don't worry about it," said Donkey. "You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards."

"Bodyguards!" If a king needs bodyguards, this sounds pretty risky!

"All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you," said Puss.

"Really?" Now I was seriously worried. I guess kings are in more danger than normal people!

"And the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance," continued Puss.

"Just make sure they don't die of famine," said Donkey.

"Or plague," added Puss.

"Ooh, plague is bad."

"The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores…"

That's when I decided I didn't really want to be king. It sounds like a full time job. More like a full time job that could get you killed! What if something bad happened right away? I didn't have a clue how to handle it! Maybe it would be peaceful, but I wasn't going to stick around and find out. I ran to the wheel, and turned it around, back to Worcestershire. Suddenly, Shrek ran up, and seized the wheel.

"Artie, what are you doing?"

Shrek turned the wheel, and I was thrown against the wall. Well, I didn't want to be king anymore, and wasn't going down without a fight!

"What does it look like?" I grabbed a stick-thing, and jammed it into the wheel, throwing Shrek off. I removed the stick and turned the ship back to Worcestershire.

Shrek thrust me to the side, and turned the wheel back towards Far Far Away. "This really isn't up to you!"

I grabbed the wheel and pulled on it, trying to make Shrek let go. "But I don't know anything about being king!"

"You'll learn on the job!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back!"

"Back to what? Being a loser!" That was below the belt. I'd have to face a lot of torture if I went back, but… Well, maybe I should think about it some more. I let go of the wheel. Shrek must have been pulling on really hard when I let go, 'cause he pulled it right off the deck.

"Now look what you did!" Sure, blame it on anyone but himself. Alright, let's play the blame game.

"Look what _I _did?" I asked. "Who's holding the wheel, chief?"

Shrek suddenly looked at something in the distance. He put the wheel back in, and tried to turn it. _What the heck is he doing?_ I thought. I looked where he was looking. There were pointy rocks not far away, and we were headed straight for them. Then came the inevitable crash. We were all flung into the water, and had to swim to shore.

"Laaaaand ho!" shouted the captain.


	4. Just Ain't Straight Trippin'

Artie Pov

What a day. To recap, I've been used as a jousting target. Then, an ogre showed up and told me that I was the king of Far Far away. And now I've been shipwrecked on an island. With an ogre, and two annoying talking animals. When I woke up this morning, if you told me what my day would be like, I would have laughed. Or told you that you were crazy. Anyway, after the shipwreck, we floated on the wreckage/swam our way to shore. Shrek was carrying Puss and Donkey.

When we got to shore, Shrek said," Oh, great going you're _highness!"_

Now I was _really_ ticked off. Yeah, keep trying to heap the blame on me! "Oh, so now it's your highness? What happened to loser, huh?" I couldn't help shouting. Seriously, the ogre was infuriating!

"Hey!" growled Shrek. Ooh, now he was furious. "If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't!" I rolled my eyes. "We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you are gonna be a _father_!" He pointed a green sausage-finger at me.

Father? What on earth was he talking about? "What?" I asked, confused.

Donkey cleared his throat. "Eh-hem-hem." And I thought I heard him say," You just said 'father.'"

Now Shrek looked more frustrated than angry. "I said king! You're gonna be king!" And we were back to angry.

"You're gonna be king!" I said, imitating Shrek, then added," Yeah right." I started to walk away. There was a path apparently leading towards the center of the island. Maybe I could lose the ogre there!

"Where do you think _you're_ going?"

Wherever Shrek wasn't! "Far Far Away," I answered. "From you!"

"You get back here, young man, and I mean it!" shouted Shrek.

Stupid ogre, thinks he's gonna make me be king. It's like he never even considered what he was gonna do if I said 'no.'

"Listen, Artie." Great, now Shrek was after me again. "If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I…feel you, dude." Oh, so now he's trying to relate to me? Creepy. "I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill, or raise your roof, or whatever. But what I am screaming is, 'Yo! Check out this kazing thazing, bazaby.' I mean, if it just doesn't groove, or if what I'm saying ain't straight trippin' just say 'Oh no you di'in't! You know, you is getting' on my last nerve!' And then I'll know it's…" I wasn't really listening. There was a branch in the way, so I pushed it out of the way. "I'll know it's wack!" The branch I pushed back snapped back into place, and hit Shrek right in the gut.

_That looks kinda like a house!_ I thought. Then I had an idea. A crazy idea. "Somebody help!" I shouted as I ran towards the house thing. "I've been kidnapped by a monster trying to relate to me!" I got to the door, and began pounding on it. "Come on, come on, help, help, HELLO?" Suddenly, a beam of light emitted from something that looked like a lantern. I backed away, and found that Shrek, Puss, and Donkey had caught up with me. At that moment though, I was more worried about what was going on with the light. The light turned into a face that looked familiar…


	5. Of Crazy Retired Magic Teachers

Artie Pov

There we stood in stunned shock as the image spoke, "Greetings, cosmic children of the universe!" Okay, a little odd. "Welcome to my serenity circle!" Even weirder. "Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-" The image shorted out, and faded away. The door opened, and a short man wearing a blue robe come out. He had lost most of his white hair, and he had an absurdly long beard.

"Ohhh, I knew I should have got that warranty!" the man appeared to be talking to himself. He hit the lantern with his fist, and it zapped him. No… It couldn't be…

"Mr. Merlin?" I said in disbelief.

"You know this guy?" asked Shrek.

"Yeah," I said. "He used to be the school's magic teacher... until he had his nervous breakdown."

"Uh, technically, I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I retired to tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose." A large fly landed on his head, and he hit his head with a loud smack. "Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?"

"Uh, _no_." Shrek was irritated now.

"Sure you don't want to try my rock au-gratin?" Mr. Merlin picked up a pan of rocks out of nowhere, and took a bite. "It's organic!"

"Oh, thanks. I just ate a boulder on the way in." I guess Shrek had cooled down a bit. "What we need are directions to Far Far Away." Now Shrek was getting serious.

"What's with the 'we'? Who said I was going with you?" I still hadn't changed my mind about being king.

"Oh I did!" said Shrek, "'Cause there's a lot of people counting you, so don't try and weasel out of it!"

"If it's such a great job, why don't you do it?" I was seriously ticked now. Why did he want me to be king so bad?

"Understand this, kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!" Shrek looked really mad.

"Oh, so that was you're 'Mr. Nice Guy'?" If that was Shrek's "Mr. Nice Guy," I didn't want to see him in an all out temper.

"I know," said Shrek, "and I'm gonna miss him."

"You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village, and leave me alone!" I couldn't help talking back at him.

"Was that some kind of crack about ogres?" I knew that if he was angry enough, Shrek probably wouldn't hesitate to well, I probably didn't want to think about it. "You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there!" He turned to Merlin. "Now, which way am I kicking?"

"Oh, I could tell you," began Merlin, "but seeing as you are in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible." I gave Shrek a triumphant look.

"Self-destructive ra… Look, are you gonna help us or not?" I guess Merlin lost Shrek at the self-destructive rage spiral part.

"Most definitely," said Merlin. Dang, now I have to be king. "But only after you take the journey to your soul!"

"Yah, I don't think so," said Shrek.

"Look, pal. It's either that, or some primal scream therapy! RRAAAAUUU-" He started screaming, but Shrek covered his mouth.

"Alright, alright. Journey to the soul it is."

"Do we have to, Shrek?" I pulled the best pouty face I could.

"I still haven't ruled out kicking your royal highness to Far Far Away." Shrek growled. At least he'd cooled down a bit.


	6. The Fire of Truth

Artie Pov

The sun set quickly, and Merlin lit a fire. When it was dark, he took out some strange powder. Donkey was raving about a torte or something.

"Now all of you, look into the fire of truth and tell me what you see." Merlin threw some powder into the fire, threw his hands up and did some weird wailing thingy. "Okay, monster. Go for it."

Shrek bent down and looked into the smoke. After a couple seconds, he looked alarmed, and blew on the smoke. When he noticed us staring at him he said, "I see a rainbow pony." I was pretty sure he was lying though.

"Excellent work!" said Merlin. "Now, the boy."

"This is lame," I muttered. Merlin must have heard, because he smacked me really hard. Seriously, he hits hard for his age.

"You're lame! Just go for it," he said, throwing some powder into the fire.

"Okay." An image appeared in the fire. "There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how! It's gonna fall!" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw everyone's sympathetic looks.

"Hoo! Proper head case you are, aren't you?" said Merlin. "Really messed up." Shrek, Puss and Donkey glared at him and he went back inside his (if you could call it that) house.

Shrek Puss and Donkey looked like they wanted to know more, but it was something I didn't really want to talk about. "Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what?" I picked up a stick and started poking the fire with it. Memories of when my dad dumped me at that school came back to me. I hadn't really thought about it in a while. I just didn't like to think about it.

"Look," Shrek had moved over next to me. "Artie…um-"

This loud music suddenly started playing, and we all looked behind us for the source. It was Merlin standing outside his door.

"Just thought I might help set the mood! You know. For your big heart to heart chat!" We continued to glare at him, so he switched off the music, and went back inside.

Shrek seemed slightly put out that his subtle approach was wrecked. "I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared. You know. Once in a while."

"I know you want me to be king… but I can't," I said. "I'm not cut out for it, and I never will be, alright? Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and… I never heard from him again." It felt good to get that off my chest.

"My dad wasn't the 'fatherly' type either," said Shrek.

"Well," I said, "I doubt he was worse than mine."

"Oh yeah? MY father was an ogre. He tried to eat me!" I stared. He _had_ to be kidding… "Well, I guess I should have seen it coming," continued Shrek. "He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth."

I laughed, even though I knew I probably shouldn't. "Okay, I guess that's pretty bad."

"You know," said Shrek, "it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but… people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time… I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you, and you just trust who you are."

"You know… you're okay Shrek. You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap."

"Thanks Artie."

"The soap's because you stink. Really bad."

"Yeah. I got that."

Well, maybe I should think about being king some more. The taunting and teasing would be pretty bad if I went back to Worcestershire. Besides, how bad can it get? It's not like they're in a war or something. Or plague or famine or…

I guess I fell asleep at that point.


	7. We are Attacked by Walking Trees

Artie Pov

Bad memories came back to me that night. Like when my mom died, the day my dad left me at that school… you get the picture. So, I can't say I had the most peaceful night.

The next thing I knew, the log I'd been sleeping on stood up, knocking me to the ground. At first I thought I was hallucinating. We were being surrounded by walking trees! Not something you see every day. Then some men wheeled in a piano with a pirate playing it. At this point, I thought I was having a really weird dream.

"Look out!" Donkey shouted, "They've got a piano!"

"Kill 'em all!" said the pirate. "Except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre!"

Shrek look slightly comfused. "_King _Charming?"

Apparently the pirate had had enough chit-chat. "Attack!" He shouted.

Pirates swung in out of nowhere. We were outnumbered at least seven to one. A pirate charged at me with his sword raised. There was a large stick on the ground, so I grabbed that and blocked the blow.

And the fight pretty much went like that. Fortunately, the pirates weren't that tough; the only advantage they had was numbers. As the fight went on, Puss, Donkey and I were herded together. I saw it coming a second too late. The three of us stepped onto a net, and two trees pulled it up, trapping us inside.

"Ready the Plank!" the pirate shouted. I really had no clue what they'd planned, but it seemed like they'd planned the fight out already. The pirates tried to get Shrek stuck in a trunk, but that failed. Then someone lit the fuse on a cannon that was facing toward us. We were going to be blasted to bits!

"Shrek!" shouted Donkey

"Help!" I shouted, although Shrek looked pretty busy fighting off pirates. He somehow made his way to the cannon, and tried to flip it so it would fire off the other way. He was running out of time though, the fuse was almost to the cannon… Then the cannon went off just as Shrek flipped it. It fired off and hit the piano the pirate was playing. The trees dropped us, and everyone ran, except for the pirate-in-charge.

"What has Charming done with Fiona?" Shrek looked pretty irritated, and I wouldn't have wanted to mess with an angry ogre.

"She's gonna get what's comin' to her!" growled the pirate. A tree ran by, and the pirate's hook (which I noticed right then) caught on the tree's branch, and the pirate was carried away by the tree. "And there's nothing you can do to stop him!" shouted the pirate.

"We've got to save her!" said Puss.

"But she's so far far away!" said Donkey.

Shrek turned to me. "Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid."

Suddenly an idea popped into my head. "No, Shrek. Hold on a minute. I've got an idea."


	8. I Have a Serious Meltdown

Artie Pov

"I'm a buzzing bee." Merlin chanted. "Buzz, buzz, buzz-"

I cut him off," ! They need a spell to get them… I mean _us_ back to Far Far Away."

"Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore. How 'bout a hug? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic."

I didn't need a hug; I needed to get to Far Far Away! Besides, he just didn't want to. "Mr. Merlin, please. I know you can do it."

"I said forget it!" Merlin had decided he was done with magic. Maybe it was because of that incident when Morgana turned him into a bee. I never knew whether it was an accident or not.

"But…" Fortunately, I knew how to get to Merlin.

*Artie Telling me the Story*

Artie : So I persuaded him to magically transport us to Far Far Away.

Me (mischiefmanaged101) : (gives Artie skeptical look)

Artie : All right all right, I pretended to cry to get him to do it. There, happy now?

Me : Wow, I really had to weasel that out of you.

*Back to Artie's PoV*

I started sobbing. Yeah, you heard me right. I'm not proud of it, but hey, if it works, it works.

"What's with you?" Merlin hated to see anyone cry.

"It's just so hard. You know?" I was doing my best to get to Merlin. "They really need to get back 'cause their kingdom's in trouble. 'Cause there's a really bad man. And it's just so hard!" I started sobbing again and grabbed Merlin like I needed a hug (I didn't).

"Take it easy," said Merlin. I could tell that he wasn't enjoying this either.

I pulled away from Merlin like I was really upset. "NO! I don't think you understand!" I dropped on my hands and knees. "There's a mean person! Doing mean things to good people!"

"Oh, have a heart old man," said Shrek.

"They really need your help to get them back!" I grabbed Merlin's ankle and he tried to back away, but I held on. "So why won't you help them?"

"Oh!" said Merlin. There was the sign he was giving in. Just a little more…

I started sobbing again. I forgot what I was trying to say, but I don't think Merlin got anything out of it except a good idea of how "upset" I was. (I already told you I was just acting!)

"Okay. I'll go get my things," said Merlin. He'd finally given in.

I stood up and cleared my throat. Shrek, Puss and Donkey were sort of staring at me in an odd sort of way, so I said, "Piece of cake."

"Well, well, well," said Shrek. "You want eggs with that ham?" Like I said; if it works, it works.


	9. The Not So Wonderful Magic of Merlin

Artie Pov

Merlin came back out of his uh, _house_ wearing a beat-up wizard's hat and carrying an old spellbook.

"Now, um, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side-effects," said Merlin.

"Side-effects?" asked Donkey, alarmed.

"Don't worry. Whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off. Eventually." I'm not sure if anyone else heard it, but he also muttered, "I think." Then, he tossed his book away, cracked his knuckles, and blasted a rock to bits.

Donkey screamed and flinched to the side.

"Oops," said Merlin.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Donkey.

"Look. If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me," said Shrek. I was kinda glad he was backing me up. "Even if his robes don't quite cover-"

"Jiggery Pok-" Merlin picked his book again. "Wait a minute… Hoo sorry! That was the wrong spell. Just a little Eternal Fire Curse. It's directly opposite from the Transportation Spell."

*Artie Telling Me the Story*

Me: Wait a minute. That wasn't in the movie!

Artie: Yeah. The producers cut that part 'cause they thought it was "unnecessary in telling the story." Or whatever. Anyway, the movie isn't completely accurate. The producers said it was a kid's movie, so they cut some of the better scenes. Fortunately, he never finished saying it, but how that one can be across from the Transportation Spell I have no idea.

Me: So there was more to it than the movie portrays?

Artie: Yeah.

Back to Artie PoV

"Ah, here it is! Alacritious expeditious a zoomy zoom zoom! Let's help our friends get back… um… soon!" Magic light appeared from his hands and zapped us.

The next thing I saw was a blue sky, but then we were falling. Unfortunately, Merlin had forgotten to make sure we landed on the ground instead of falling from the sky. The trees we fell through did break our fall a little.

Puss stood up and said in Donkey's voice, "Whoa. Hey, I haven't been on a trip like that since college!"

Shrek and I stared. I couldn't believe my ears. Did that mean I had a concussion?

"Donkey?" asked Shrek in disbelief.

"What?" asked Donkey. Apparently, he hadn't noticed the change. "Is there something in my teeth?" He looked down and gasped, then turned around and saw the tail. "Oh no! I've been abra kadabra-ed into a fancy feastin' second-rate sidekick!"

Puss fell out of the tree with a screech and said, "At least you don't look like some sort of bloated roadside piñata!"

"You really should think about going on a diet!" said Donkey. "Yeah, you should think about getting' yourself a pair of pants!"

Now that the shock of it had worn off a bit, it was actually funny. I couldn't help but laugh, and apparently, neither could Shrek.

"I feel all exposed and nasty!" Donkey continued his rant. I know I shouldn't have laughed, but it was just so funny!

"Oh, so you two think this is funny?" asked Donkey.

He did seriously look offended though, so I somehow managed to stop laughing. "I'm really sorry guys."

"Don't be," said Shrek. "You got us back, kid."


	10. Go Go Away

Artie PoV

We landed a good mile or so from Far Far Away, giving Puss and Donkey sufficient time to complain about adjusting to the er changes. For example:

"How am I supposed to parade around in these **goofy** boots?"

"Hey, hey! You be very careful with those! HEE-HAWW! They were made in Madrid, by the finest – HEE-HAWW!"

"Oh you'll learn to control that. Pppth."

I have to admit, it was kind of entertaining for the first few minutes. After like _forever_ we got to the city gate. I noticed a sign that read _**Go Go **__Away_. It looked like it used to say Far Far Away, but then someone glued "Go" over "Far." When we entered the city, it looked like all Hades broke loose or something. Buildings were burning, a random burning tumbleweed rolled across the filthy street.

A dwarf stumbled by and said something like, "Watch it! I'm walking here, and I'm gonna keep walking 'til…" His speech was slurred, he was holding a bottle and was probably drunk. Meanwhile, some girl wearing a red hood picked his pocket.

"Pinocchio?"asked Shrek. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I looked where he was looking and saw a little automatic puppet show booth.

"Shrek!" shouted the puppet.

"Pinocchio!" shouted Shrek.

"Help me!" shouted the puppet, apparently called Pinocchio.

"What happened?" asked Shrek. Apparently, Shrek knew this talking puppet.

"Charming and the villains have taken over everything! They attacked us, but Fiona and the princesses got away. And now she's-" The curtain began to close

"She's what? She's what?" shouted Shrek. He turned around. "Puss! Loan me five bucks!"

"Come on, Puss, you heard the man," said Donkey. "Help your brother out!"

"Do you see any pockets on me?" asked Puss. It was true; Puss had no pockets.

"Hold on a second," said Donkey. He took off a boot and turned it upside-down. A bag of coins fell out, probably all gold. "Aha!" said Donkey in triumph.

"I had no idea!" said Puss. "Really! I swear…"

Shrek inserted five dollars and the curtain lifted. "Quick, Pinocchio! Where is Fiona?"

"Charming's got her locked away someplace secret! You've gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the shooooooooooooow!" The curtain closed again. (They really cheat you out of your money, don't they?)

"Wait, Pinocchio, what show?" Shrek sounded quite desperate.

Pinocchio reached under the curtain and pointed at the wall to our right. I looked where the puppet was pointing.

The poster read:

_Charming Presents:_

_It's a Happily Ever After After All_

_Tonight Only_

_Shrek's Final Performance_

It also had a picture a man wearing a blue suit, holding a sword and standing on top of an ogre.

"'It's a Happily After After All'" read Puss.

"Whoa, Shrek!" exclaimed Donkey. "You didn't tell us were in a… a play!"

"Well, I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it!" said Shrek sarcastically.

"It's the ogre!" I turned and saw a bunch of guards in full armor. "Get him!" I figured they must've been working for Charming.

"Don't worry, jefe. I got this." Puss walked up to the guards, sat down, and did the worst sad face ever. If you ask me, that face would look okay on anything but a donkey.

"Uck! Kill it!" said one of the guards. Apparently, the guards didn't like it either.

A crazy plan started forming in my head. The if-it-doesn't-work-we're-probably-all-gonna-die kind. But before I knew what I was doing, I stepped forward. "Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you?"

Fortunately, Shrek caught on fast. "Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs," he said.

I pulled one of the posters off the wall. "He's a _star _people! Hello?" I turned to Shrek. "I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek."

"I'm gonna lose it!" he growled.

"I assume they have everything ready for tonight. You did get the list for the dressing room?"

"Yeah!" Donkey had caught on too. "Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter. Our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno HONEY BUTTER!" Donkey ended his rant by shouting the last fcouple words.

"I just lost it!" said Shrek. Unfortunately, the guards didn't really buy it.

Artie Telling Me the Story…

Me: I knew the guards couldn't have been fooled so easily!

Artie : I'm offended.

Me : Sorry. You were saying?

The guards actually looked kinda mad. Like angry-mad. The guards started closing in on us. We were trapped!

"Get them!" shouted a guard. And the fight began.

I vaguely remember Puss kicking some of the guards (he was, after all, in Donkey's body) and Shrek was bashing the guards like only an ogre can. Donkey (no offense to him) was not much help, even as a cat. He didn't seem to know how to use his claws and the sword. One of the guards took a swing at me with a mace. I disarmed him (I somehow remembered that from when we had to do sword play for gym). Now armed, I flew into the battle. We were lucky there were no more than a dozen guards, otherwise we would have been in huge trouble.

Once all the guards had been knocked out, I asked Shrek, "So what next?"

"Find Charming, rescue Fiona, and save Far Far Away."

"Sounds good," I said.

With a little _persuasion_ we got the guards to tell us where Charming would be. Once we found the place, we entered the room and waited…


	11. There's Always a Catch

Artie PoV

Maybe about fifteen minutes later, Charming walked in the door. He sat down in front of the mirror and started this whole "touching" monologue. I almost felt sorry for the guy, except for the fact that he wanted to kill me and my friends. Finally, Shrek walked up behind him and said, "Break a leg. Or on second thought, let me break it for you."

"Thank goodness you're here! I was beginning to think you might not make it in... time."

Shrek lifted Charming off his feet. "Where's Fiona?"

"Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now."

Charming must have raised an alarm somehow because about half a dozen guards burst into the room. Shrek was forced to put Charming down since the guards looked like they were prepared to kill us in the case of any resistance.

Charming strolled over to me. "Hmm. Let me guess. _Arthur."_ He spoke as though I were some kind of disgusting creature.

"It's Artie, actually." _You wouldn't have that smug look on your face if you didn't have your guards with you, _I thought.

Charming laughed. "This boy is supposed to be the new king of Far Far Away?" He pulled out a dagger and held it to my throat. "Now, stand still so I won't make a mess." _If you're so worried about making a "mess," then just do it outside! _I thought.

"Charming, stop. I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him." _What? _I thought.

"Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king... right?"

"You weren't really next in line for the throne. I was."

"But you said the king asked for me personally."

"Not exactly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I was still confused, maybe a little bit angry now.

"Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go!"

I suddenly realized what really happened. "You were playing me the whole time."

"You _**catch on**_real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought."

"You know, for a minute there... I thought you-" Charming cut me off mid-sentence.

"What, that he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect?"

I vaguely remember leaving the room, confused and angry. But two emphasized words burned in my mind. _Catch on._ That's it! Why didn't I see it before?


	12. Complications

Artie PoV

I wandered through the now filthy streets of Far Far Away. Well, not really wandered, more like walking and at the same time trying not to be killed. I only just avoided getting run down by a carriage and later, a charming (pun intended) drunkard tried to hit me over the head with a club. That guy had me running for a dozen blocks or so before I lost him. Meanwhile, I was trying to decide what to do. If Charming changed his mind and decided that he did want to kill me after all, there wouldn't be much I could do to help Shrek. On the other hand, Shrek was probably going to get killed in front of the whole kingdom if I didn't do something.

"It's him!" someone shouted. I turned to look and saw a pair of guards staring straight at me. I guessed that Charming must have changed his mind and did want me gone after all. And with that pleasant thought, I ran back through the streets again.

Unfortunately, guards knew the city much better than I did, because they soon had me cornered.

"Look, guys. Do you really need to kill me?"

"King Charming's orders." said Guard #1.

"What if I left and promised never to come back?" I said, thinking quickly. "Then you wouldn't have to bother killing me at all."

The guards muttered amongst themselves.

"I dunno." said Guard #2

"Here," I said. I dug out what little money I had in my pocket.

"All right." said Guard #1. "King Charming need never know we even saw you."

"But if we see you again," said Guard #2, "we will be obliged to kill you."

"Fair enough." I said. "I'm going now."

I was just outside the gates when I heard some very familiar voices. I couldn't help but stare. After all, it's not every day you see talking animals, a puppet, and a gingerbread cookie talking out some sort of strategy.

"Ach de liebe! There's some sort of strange little girl over there staring at us!" one of the pigs exclaimed.

I turned to walk away, figuring they wouldn't be much help. Anyways, how could anyone mistake me for a girl?

"Artie!" said Donkey.

"Wait, wait! Ho! Hey!" shouted Puss. "Where's the fire, senior?"

"Come on," I said, "don't act so ignorant. You know what's going on."

"It's not like it seems!" insisted Donkey.

"It's not? I think it's pretty clear," I said.

"Shrek only said those things to protect you," said Puss.

Before I could explain, Donkey cut in. "Charming was gonna kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life."

"I know!" I said. "The question is, then, how are we going to pull this off? Especially with half the city literally trying to get rid of me."

"What do you mean, Artie?" asked Donkey.

"Charming apparently changed his mind and does want me dead." I briefly explained my encounter with the guards. Complications, complications...


	13. The Show Must Not Go On

Artie PoV

So, we ended up with the following plan. We would watch the play until Shrek was in danger. Then, the fairy tale creatures would jump in and save Shrek. It had already taken a lot of persuasion on my part to get Puss and Donkey to let me come with. Okay, I lied. I forced them to let me.

As we ran through the streets to the play, we met up with Queen Lillian, Fiona, and a bunch of other princesses. Change of plan. The princesses and the fairy tale creatures would swoop in and save the day. The rest of the plan was the same.

As we watched the play, I admitted I had to agree with some of Shrek's comments. Charming was a horrible singer. Well, he might actually be good if he were female; he certainly sounded like he was.

Just as Charming was about to kill Shrek, the princesses and fairy tale creatures swooped in. All looked well, but then Charming's men overpowered them. It was just Charming and Shrek again. I couldn't hear what they were saying anymore. Then Charming raised the sword. I realized that he was going to kill Shrek!

I don't remember what I was thinking as I jumped down onto the stage.

I do remember something really intelligent like, "Everyone stop!"

Of course, that's exactly what everyone did. I also figured that Charming was, well, not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

"Oh, what is it now?" Charming cried.

"Who really thinks we need to settle things this way?" I asked.

All the villains raised their hands. That probably wasn't the smartest question to ask at the time.

Before I could think about what I was saying, I found myself saying, "You're telling me you just wanna be villains your whole lives?"

"But we are villains!" said a pirate. "It's the only thing we know!" I recognized him from when they attacked us at Merlin's home.

"Morons!" shouted Charming. "Don't listen to him, attack them!" The villains didn't even hesitate.

After that, adrenaline mostly took over. I vaguely remember Shrek attacking villains and using the chains to his advantage. Charming came after me with his sword and I ran backstage, dodging his blows. It wasn't long before he had me cornered.


	14. Not So Charming Anymore

Artie PoV

I noticed a small open box of sparkly glass bits, probably for special effects. Then, I did something really impulsive. I threw the stuff out at Charming and ran for it.

I found some sort of trapdoor and opened it. It seemed to be a storage room for props. I jumped down into the cellar.

...

As I was walking through the prop storage room, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was a sword, and it wasn't a prop! Maybe all the torture I endured at that school counted for something with whoever's in charge of karma (if that actually made any sense).

Suddenly, I heard footsteps, and heard a voice call out, "Arthur, where are you? I promise I'll make it quick if you'll only cooperate." Yeah right. Liar.

The footsteps grew louder and I saw light coming from a torch. Isn't Charming so smart, letting me know where he is like that?

I continued down the passage with my hand in front of me, but stopped when I felt something. A solid wall.

When I finally saw Charming's face, I thought, _Either I threw that box really hard or the glass bits were really sharp._ I had certainly spoiled Charming's good looks.

Charming then gave me this super long villain speech which I hardly remember. Then he proceeded to attack me with the sword.

Again, adrenaline mostly took over. I hardly remember our fight. Charming wasn't bad, but I'd watched people who were much better at sword-play. But I do remember the pain when Charming ran me through with that sword. The next thing I remembered was Charming falling and a big green thing shouting that he'd found someone or other. That's right about when I blacked out.

...

Artie Telling Me the Story

Artie : So, what I'm about to tell you now is stuff I found out about later, after Charming was jailed and everything.

Me : Okay. Wow, that must have hurt.

Artie : Yeah. Not something I want to do again.

...

Third Person Stuff

Shrek and crew had just finished subduing the villains when Shrek noticed that Artie and Charming were missing.

Shrek grabbed Captain Hook and demanded, "Where's Charming?"

"He's taking care of a pest back stage." growled Hook.

Shrek dropped Hook and ran backstage, followed by Puss and Donkey.

"Look, senor! That trapdoor's open!" said Puss.

"They must be down there!" said Shrek.

The trio jumped down into the cellar. (The hole was fortunately quite large).

"Hear that, senor?" asked Puss.

"It sounds like metal hitting metal," said Shrek. "Oh no!" He ran down the passage as fast as he could.

Seeing Charming standing over a wounded Artie, he knocked Charming out and shouted, "Puss! Donkey! I found Artie!"


	15. Aftermath

Artie PoV

When I first came to my senses, at first I thought, _Oh no, Charming's killed me and taken over Far Far Away._

Then I realized I was alive. I was lying in a soft bed. My name was Arthur Pendragon. Wait, I was _alive_. That meant that Charming had failed. I was the new king of Far Far Away! I opened my eyes. I was in a richly decorated room. I tried to sit up, but pain coursed through my shoulder and made me feel sick. Someone gently pushed me back down on the bed.

"Easy, now, Artie."

Wait. I knew that voice. "Shrek?" I asked.

"The one and only." came the reply.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Charming almost succeeded in killing you, but now he's locked in the tower with a pair of guards at his door."

"So, am I really king of Far Far Away?"

"Yeah."

"Is it really true that the king asked for me personally?"

Shrek hesitated. "Look, I didn't really mean what I said in Charming's dressing room-"

"That doesn't answer my question."

"All right, all right. I was the heir to the throne. But there's several good reasons why you would be a better king than me. One, who wants an ogre as their king? Two, you truly are the only other heir, and three, I couldn't even fill in for the king for a week without causing mass chaos. So, the question is, will you accept the throne?"

"So you did lie to me."

"Look, Artie. I'm really sorry about that, but I guess I was just really desperate. No hard feelings, right?"

"No hard feelings."

So, do you accept the throne?"

"I guess."

And from then on, I was King Arthur of Far Far Away.

The month it took for my recovery went by in a blur. Then I was informed that I had to go look for the Holy Grail or something before I could take the throne. You'd think I'd had enough adventure, right? Nope! I was ready to go A.S.A.P.!


	16. The Quest for the Holy Grail

Artie PoV

Perhaps I should explain the situation first. 1, I was supposed to search for the Holy Grail. 2, Lancelot, Bohort, and Gawain were also trying to find it. 3, Lancelot, Bohort, and Gawain were ahead of us because they had horses. 4, Lancelot, Bohort, and Gawain would probably find it first because of number 3. 5, I wasn't sure if the thing actually existed!

One morning, I woke up to find Shrek practically shouting in my ear. Trust me, it's worse than someone dumping cold water on you at five a.m. And unfortunately, I speak from experience.

"Let's go, Artie, I found the cave! Now rise and shine."

I wasn't fully aware of everything yet, so I said something intelligent like, "Rise and shine?"

"You don't want Sir Schmantzy Pants to get there first, do you?" asked Shrek as he walked away.

"No... but they were already ahead of us!"

"Not anymore!" said Shrek. He was walking quickly, and I had to run to catch up.

"But... where's Puss and Donkey?"

"Puss and Donkey... Puss and Donkey... Oh, they're just up ahead, scouting about like they normally do, it's all normal, totally normal. They're gonna give us the ol' "ka kaaw ka kaaw" if they see anything that we should worry about, okay? Now, let's just focus on the task at hand, alright?"

I wasn't sure if everything was indeed "normal." Shrek seemed like he was anxious to hide something from me. "Sure," I said, "but we were lost. How'd you find it?"

"Luck's on our side, kid." said Shrek. He parted the branches of a large shrub. Sure enough, there was the cave, and a creepy one at that.

"Shrek," I said, "are you sure about this?"

"Ah, it's nothin', just think of it as, uh, you know, a giant door leading to a fire-breathing beast protecting its giant treasure." Shrek picked up a metal bucket off the cave floor, poked two holes in it, and put the thing on my head.

"Uh, Shrek?"

Shrek picked a barrel lid or something, and threw it at me, saying "Catch!" I caught it alright, but it was so heavy, it knocked me over. Then, Shrek handed me a pitchfork, and said, "Well, at least you know what you're up against."

I stood up and took the pitchfork.

"You look great, kid."

"Thanks, Shrek..." Now I was sure that something was up.

"Now, get in there and pummel the beast, grab the goblet, beat the bullies, love thy lady and become the king."

"Hello? I asked. Probably not the brightest thing I've ever done; it would just warn the best (if there really was one) that I was there.

I still wonder if that cave was magically supposed to induce fear or something. Anyway, as I rounded the corner, I saw it. There it was, on a pedestal and surrounded by a pit. "Shrek!" I called. "I see the grail!"

Then I heard a groan. It wasn't Shrek, ogres certainly don't groan like that. It sounded more like some kind of ancient and powerful beast. I could just feel that something was there. I heard the groan again, only this time it was louder. Then, a huge shadow appeared on the wall. The creature (if it was a creature) groaned louder.

"I can do this," I told myself. "I can do this..."

The thing slowly emerged from behind a big rock, groaning louder. As it emerged from behind the rock, I couldn't believe my eyes.

The thing had a skull-like head. It had antlers on its head that looked like they were taped on. It was covered by some sort of frilly robe. It was absolutely terrifying. _Not!_ If you had seen this thing, you would probably have burst out laughing. _This _was the thing that sounded so scary. "Raawwr." it said. "Raawr!" _What the heck is that? _I thought. Then the thing tripped.

I would've laughed, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something worse than this creature in the cave.

The creature stood up.

"What are you doing, you clumsy burro?" The voice was coming from the creature and it sounded a lot like Puss.

"Hey, you got the eye holes, man, do your thing!" That couldn't be anyone but Donkey! What in the world was going on?

The thing hissed. Now, there was no doubt as to the identity of the creature.

"Uh, that didn't work so good. Now what?" asked Donkey's voice.

"I don't know," said Puss's voice, "charge him!"

"Rrrrrrrrrghhh!" the thing charged at me.

I got ready for the stab, but then remembered who it really was. I side-stepped at the last second and Puss and Donkey tumbled into the pit. It was a shallow pit, though, so they would be fine.

"All right, Artie, Way to take care of business. Now go get the Grail, and let's go!" it was Shrek.

Now I knew what they were doing. They had set this up to boost my self confidence or whatever. I guess I did appreciate it in a way though. It would have worked if Puss and Donkey hadn't messed that part up. Anyways, I saw a log bridging the pit, so I crossed the pit and grabbed the Grail. "I got it!" I called.

"Good going, Artie! Now let's get back and measure your head, 'cause someone needs to be fitted for a crown."

End

...

Epilogue, Artie PoV (I know, I lied about the end.)

As it turns out, Far Far Away is a pretty peaceful place after all. Shrek and Fiona went back to the swamp to raise their kids, and Lancelot never found the grail either. I'm still not sure if the Holy Grail exists or not, but that hardly matters, right? Lancelot did kill a dragon though (not Donkey's mate) and I was obliged to knight him. He's not so bad now that I'm king, but it might be just because I could have him arrested or something if I really wanted to.

And that is truly the end of this story... for now.


	17. Epilogue and Other Things

Earlier today...

*DING-DONG*

Me: *opens door to find Artie dressed in a ridiculous bunny costume* What the...?

Plot-Bunny!Artie: Mischiefmanaged101?

Me: Yeah, what do you want, plot-bunny?

Plot-Bunny!Artie: You know how Dreamworks totally left me out of Shrek 4? Well, you need to write something about why they left me out.

Me: What Dreamworks did was indeed terrible but I am terribly busy...

Plot-Bunny!Artie: DO IT. NOW. *points sword at me*

Me: Okay, fine, I'll do it!

So as you can see, I had no choice.

...

Artie's PoV

It was a busy life as King of Far Far Away. There was a lot of rebuilding to do since Charming's reign of terror caused a lot of destruction. Just about everything had to be repaired or torn down and rebuilt.

As I said before, Shrek and Fiona went back to their swamp to raise their kids. And Donkey and his dragon wife had mutant donkey/dragon crossovers, dubbed "dronkeys" by yours truly.

I was unfortunately away doing some boring diplomacy with another kingdom on the day of Shrek and Fiona's kids' birthday party, but hopefully they still had a good time without me. It was terribly boring and it didn't seem at all necessary for me to be there in person, but there you have it.

Later, I asked Shrek how the kids' birthday party went, and he told me the craziest story ever. Apparently, this pint-sized curly-toed weirdo called Rumpelstiltskin got Shrek to sign a contract that ultimately landed him in some sort of alternate universe where he was never born. Rumpelstiltskin was king, Fiona was a rebel warrior, Puss was fat, and Donkey was, well, Donkey. I asked Shrek what I was like in the alternate world, but he apparently had never run into me at all.

Later, I was thinking about what I might've done if Shrek had never showed up at Worcestershire. I honestly had no answer. Not that I regretted anything, but I still wondered anyway.

By the way, Guinevere and I eventually got married. I guess she finally realized what a stuck up pig Lancelot is and decided that I wasn't so bad after all.

Fin

...

This was a pretty pointless epilogue, but the Artie- plot bunny had his sword at my back the whole time I was writing this.

And yes, in my "head canon," Artie does a lot of what the original King Arthur did (i.e. marry Guinevere)

Maybe Justin Timberlake just didn't want to play Artie again, but whatever the reason, Artie was totally left out. They couldn't even mention him, like, "Too bad Artie couldn't make it to the party. He must be pretty busy." They made up a character for the third movie and apparently forgot about him for the fourth.

Anyhoo, review? Please? It just takes a few seconds...


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